Gender Euphoria - Pride Month Experiment
Hey Gay. Happy Pride Month!
In honour of Pride, this month’s experiment is all about exploring gender euphoria. Because the T in 2SLGBTQ+ has always been there and will always be there. Now don’t get it twisted, this experiment is not exclusive to trans folx. Gender exploration is for everyone, cis and trans, binary and non-binary, no matter what conclusions you come to about yourself.
If you are new around here, welcome! Every month I offer an experiment for people to try in order to learn more about themselves, their needs, and their identities. Anyone is welcome to participate, but the experiments are often catered towards the humans in my community. That means whether you are queer, neurodivergent, or otherwise of the creative sort, this space is especially for you.
PS: If you want to check out our past experiments you can do so here. If you want a PDF of this experiment sent to your inbox, join our mailing list!
Gender 101 - A Primer
Okay so some basics to get us all on the same page. Gender identity is the internal felt sense of what your gender is. For humans whose gender identity aligns with the one the doctor assigned them when they were born, it is possible you don’t have a very strong sense of this. It’s like asking a fish what water is, it is so ubiquitous that you don’t have to think too deeply about it. But it also might be really noticeable for you. For trans, nonbinary, and gender diverse folx, the felt sense that your internal gender identity is different than the gender people expect from you can be incredibly uncomfortable, even painful. This is often called gender dysphoria.
Now gender expression is the external things a person does to act out gender. For some people this expression aligns with their internal gender identity, and for others it does not (ie. a trans person in the closet). There are a whole host of things that fall under this umbrella of expression, but some more noticeable things might be how a person dresses, how they wear their hair, or how they speak and move. The key here is that expressions of gender are subjective, bound to the context they are in, and change over time.
One example of this; high heeled shoes. These days wearing heels is generally considered a femme gender expression, but that has not always been the case. Heels were a regular part of how fashionable men dressed in the 1700s in France, even appearing in paintings of kings at the time.
The lines dividing masculine and feminine gender expression are blurry. Gender is and always has been a spectrum, and how a person is perceived doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about their internal gender identity. Maybe you can tell and maybe you can’t, so it’s best practice to be open to correction if you make an assumption about a person’s gender and turn out to be wrong. The only expert in the room on a person’s gender identity is themselves.
Okay okay, primer over, let’s get back to the experiment.
Gender Euphoria - The Good Gender Feels
Have you ever felt it? That warm glow in the centre of your chest when you discover something that feels absolutely right with your identity? Maybe it was after a new haircut, or the first time you got your nails done up all fancy. Maybe it was when you asked people to start using different pronouns for you, or when you started working out and discovered a little more comfort in the meat suit you are walking around in. For some people it comes with starting HRT, for others they felt it when they were pregnant and growing a little human inside them. Maybe it shows up for you when you are feeling completely free of gender altogether. Maybe yours shows up differently in your body, but it is undeniably a sense of joy.
Photo by Tide_trasher_x on Unsplash
I am talking about gender euphoria. I am convinced that everyone feels it at some point or another in their lives. Cis folks might not identify it as such, they might just call it feeling happy, or feeling like themselves, or even identify it as self confidence. But I suspect trans folx know what I am talking about. It is the opposite of that cold sinking discomfort called dysphoria. It is the connection to self you feel when your gender identity is affirmed.
Jav’s Hair Story
The first time I remember feeling it was in grade 8 when I asked my mom if I could chop all my hair off and dye it black. To her everlasting credit she was supportive of the hair cut, though she said no to colouring it black. A few weeks later I was in her hair stylist’s salon chair getting my first pixie cut. I kid you not, I walked out of there feeling like three million bucks.
It would take me more than a decade to realize that almost-like-if-you-could-carbonate-a-person feeling was connected to my gender identity. During that decade I had a pattern of growing my hair out long just so that I could chop it all off at once and catch that feeling again. I kept telling myself it was so I could do stuff with it, but inevitably as soon as it was long enough I remembered that I, in fact, hate doing stuff with my hair. I did it one last time when I was 25, from shoulder length to a tight silver pixie. I looked in the mirror after the hair was gone and was overwhelmed by a sudden recognition. ‘There I am! I haven’t seen me in a while’. God, that moment lives rent free in my brain.
Photo by Jav’s partner.
These days I know exactly what I like my hair to look like, and I go in to see my barber monthly like clockwork to make sure it stays that way. If I let it grow past a certain point I start feeling like a q-tip and have the impulse to shave it all off at once to escape it. Sometimes I hold out long enough to see a professional, sometimes I pull the clippers out from under the sink.
Now this is just one example of how I discovered my gender euphoria and set about chasing it. I could write for a long time, listing all the ways I have experimented with what feels right and wrong for my gender identity, and how that has shifted over the course of my life. From experimenting with they/them pronouns, to my preference for mens cloths with floral patterns, to testing out different methods of flattening my chest, to finally getting my gender marker changed, I have played with gender all sorts of ways. But that is not why we are here. We are here so that you can run a gender euphoria experiment of your own.
Experimenting with Gender
Maybe this is your very first time experimenting with gender, or maybe this will be the next in an illustrious history of exploration. Regardless, welcome Alchemists, let’s get to turning some gender lead into gender gold.
There are so so many unique ways to experiment with gender expression and experience, so I will not try to list them all here. Doubtless I would end up being biased towards the kinds of experiments I have run, which will only prove true and helpful to some of you. So let’s keep things a little more general in an effort to welcome the vast diversity that is gender.
Is there a small gender related thing that you have wanted to test out to see how it feels? Something that gives you that internal glow feeling? Consider this experiment a chance to try that thing within a container to see how it feels. No pressure, and no long term commitments, we are just testing things out. I say ‘small’ because it is one of the guidelines that Alchemy follows, generally we are looking for 5% difference at most. Keeps things manageable and sustainable.
Now let me be clear: this is for everyone.
Trying something new with your gender can be an affirming and joyful experience no matter how you identify. You can do this exploration without the pressure of putting a label on yourself. Making tweaks to your gender expression to feel more fully aligned with yourself is not something to be gatekept. That said, Alchemy is and always will be unapologetically for trans humans. Gender experiments that transgress the expectations of society are to be celebrated and protected.
Photo by Sierra Houk on Unsplash
Trans rights are human rights.
Remember Safety Goggles On
On that note I have something important to say. It is not always a safe thing to explore your gender publicly. Especially right now, especially in certain places in the world, and especially if you have intersecting marginalized identities. Your safety is important. So this is not a request to out yourself, or to try something without the appropriate guardrails in place, or to make a choice that hasn’t been considered thoroughly.
Keeping yourself safe might be your top priority right now. This might mean your experiment is something only you know about. It might mean you run your experiment only in certain environments or with certain people. It might mean you have to do some research in order to run your experiment safely. Hell it might mean the experiment is entirely inside your own head. That is perfectly okay.
Now, if you wanna take a risk with this experiment, that is entirely your choice. You are in the driver’s seat. Just be prepared babes. Connect with other gender transgressive folks for support. Find reputable sources of information if you want to experiment with body things like binding or tucking. Know your rights if you are in a place where these kinds of experiments could put you in harm’s way. And for the love of god, protect the dolls.
The Experiment
Hypothesis: Experimenting with different ways of expressing my gender will teach me more about myself, and move me towards happiness.
Design: Select a small action or change in the way you think about or express your gender, ideally one you have considered and feel drawn towards. Over the next month make a point of trying out the change. Remember to wear your safety goggles!
Data Collection: Take note of what changes as a result of your experiment! Does it feel? Has this experiment shifted anything in your understanding of yourself? What has this experiment been like for you?
Reporting: Tell me how it went! Comment on this blog post, or send me a DM on insta @alchemydivergencecoaching or email javelin@alchemycoaching.ca with the subject Pride Experiment.
Happy Pride Month all you cool cats and kittens.